Monday, January 17, 2011

My New Years "resolution"

It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I am a chicken. I blame my mother* mostly since she is the Queen of Worrying (along with Bargains, Pot Roast, and Home Decor). And after my mom, I blame my kids. You see before I added "mom" to my list of names, I had much less fear and worry in my life. Some could call it "ignorance" or "carelessness" but nonetheless, I wasn't nearly as fearful as I find myself these days.

(I should note that in order to get the full effect, you should use hand quotes anytime something is quoted in this post. ahem. thanks.)

Moving on, I don't like that I'm so fearful. For one, its a straight up commandment from God to "fear not"! (Ok, maybe don't use the hand quotes there. No disrespecting The Big Guy!) In Beth Moore's study on Esther she talked about how many times God commanded someone to "fear not!". I can't remember the exact number, but she just kept repeating those words, "Fear not! Fear not! FEAR NOT!". And secondly, its just annoying. I lose sleep because of it and can't enjoy nights away from the kids because I'm worried that something might happen to them and I'll spend the rest of my life feeling responsible for their deaths and blaming myself for being so selfish that I needed time away and look what it cost me. (Ok, seriously? This could be a direct quote from my mom. I really AM turning into her!)

I'm sure some of you are thinking, "get this girl some Lexapro!". I don't blame you.

But aside from fear, I find myself being so selfish and self-centered about things. And I'm done. I don't like those things about myself and when 12:01 am rolled around on January 1, 2011 I made a promise to myself to just LET GO.

I can't tell you how many times God has brought the scripture, "letting go of the sin that so easily entangles," to mind. And everything I've talked about this far is sin. I have nothing to fear for God is with me! I love Chris Tomlin's song, Our God, that asks, "and if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, than what could stand against?". Tell me, who? The victory is already won. Perfect love casts out fear. Greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world.

I want to let go of the petty things that bother me and keep me from becoming the wife God wants me to be, the friend I need to be, and the woman I'm called to be. I want to stop focusing on dirty dishes and messy rooms and spend more time on the floor with my kids who seem to be growing at rapid speed. (For real, Cash no longer refers to me as Mommy. I'm now Mom and even got an eye roll at nap time today. SLOW DOWN!) I want to stop letting my insecurities and doubts get in the way of making new friendships and strengthening the ones I've had for years. I want to sing with true abandon... in front of people... and worship the way I do when no one is watching. I want to let go of situations I have absolutely no control over with complete trust that God has it all in control.

I just want to let go. I want to be freed from all of this "sin that so easily entangles" me so I can press on for the greater goal of my life: to bring glory and honor to the One who rescued me from an eternity of misery.

*Mom, I don't really blame you. I love you! :)


Adrienne said...

I loved your post. I loved the study Esther, and that song of Chris Tomlin's is one of my faves! The "fear not" repeated message in that study was awesome. I also loved learning about God's perfect timing! "For such a time as this"!

"For God sis not give you a spirit of fear, but of power!" 2 Timothy 1:7

Praying you will find a spirit of power this year! :)

Lauri said...

It is hard to let go. I commend you on your honesty and I'm sure you're going to find that you are not alone.

When I was raising Chelsi and she got to that age where she was driving, I realized I had a choice. I could sit up at night worrying about her driving home from work and imagine all sorts of awful things happening to her OR I could accept that she does not belong to me. I am her mother and I have the honor and privelege of raising her but when it all comes down, she belongs to God. She's in much better hands there if you ask me. I realized that she will have to go through those same trials and struggles we all do that God uses to draw us closer to Him. If I get in the way...not good.

You have a great heart, my friend. As for singing...oh trust the gift God has given you. Please!! It is absolutely beautiful.