I've been thinking a lot about our baby in heaven the last few days. Tomorrow would have been my due date. Its crazy to think that so much time has already passed since we lost that baby, and yet I don't know that a day has gone by when I haven't thought of him or her.
Sometimes I wonder if its silly that I've mourned that loss so much. I wasn't very far along and know several women who have experienced a loss much greater than mine - have gotten farther along only to find out their baby had died. Mothers who have made it even to weeks within their due date to be told they would have to deliver a lifeless baby.
But in the very short amount of time that I knew about that baby, I had rearranged our lives to add him or her. I had figured out how old the baby would have been by Christmas, had started thinking about how old my kids would be when he or she was born. That baby was already a part of our lives, in my mind.
This evening I was reminded of a song Mandisa sang at Women of Faith last year. She told a story of a young woman at one of her concerts who was very pregnant with her first baby, a boy to be named Andrew, and when Mandisa met her she laid her hands on her belly and prayed a blessing over Andrew's life. A few weeks later she got a letter stating that Andrew didn't make it to his due date and instead of being welcomed into this world, he had been welcomed into heaven. Mandisa wrote a song for Andrew called You Wouldn't Cry and sang it for us last summer. Its beautiful and encouraging and heart-warming for anyone that has lost someone they love.
When I think of my baby in heaven, playing with other little babies, singing with the angels, and sitting on Jesus' lap. How in the world could I not be at peace? I grieve the loss of getting to know that baby, of getting to feel him or her kick and move inside me, getting to see it's face, kiss it's cheeks. But there will come a day when I get to spend eternity getting to know him or her. And thats the greatest reassurance anyone could ever have.
1 month ago