Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Really deep for a Tuesday morning

All 3 of us (well, if we're being REALLY accurate - all 4 of us) were up early this morning so I suggested we go on a  breakfast date. For those of you know don't know  - breakfast is one of my favorite meals to eat out. Drew and I used to have "Krispy Kreme dates" on Saturdays when we were dating and first married. Its a luxury that faded slightly when a newborn entered the picture but has returned occasionally since he's gotten a little older. I love it! So this morning I promised Drew I could be ready in 35 minutes (it was actually more like 38 minutes...close enough!). So we set out to Bob Evans...
We were seated around the corner from a table of all women, probably in their late 50's, some mid-60's. They were having a lot of fun. From time to time we'd hear them laugh about something and then go on chatting. I wasn't really paying a whole lot of attention to them until at one point I heard one of them giggle and it sounded just like my Grandma Dunaway. And for a split second I had forgotten that Grandma isn't here anymore. 
Its just weird to me because it'll be four years ago in August that she died. But not only do I still have moments where I forget that she's gone, but I this morning I still teared up at the thought of her in the middle of Bob Evans. Of course I don't cry over missing her as much as I did the first year or so...but even now, as I write this, there are tears. I don't think the hurt will ever go away. 
It hurts because she never met Drew. We started dating the March after she died. I tell myself she got to have a little window into our wedding ceremony and hope that I'm right. I also tell myself she held Cash before I did and knew him before we even knew he was on his way. And the same with Corinne. But there's still a piece of me that aches because she'll never hold them physically here on Earth for me to see and enjoy. Grandma had a special way with babies.
I'm told I have her hands, feet, laugh, and stature. (Several of those are qualities I hated about myself previously. Sorry, Grandma. ha!) I'm also told that I sound like her when I sing sometimes. Which, don't get me wrong, I love remembering the sound of Grandma's vibrato but don't necessarily want to sound like a 70 year old woman when I'm only 26. ;)  Someday I'll appreciate that more I guess. 
After she died I asked my dad if we'll know each other in Heaven as we do on earth. Obviously he's never been to Heaven so can't answer me for certain. But he said he thinks we'll know everyone the same. Which kind of makes me sad because in my human mind I want to think that "the great reunion in the sky" will literally be like a giant family reunion and Drew and I will just go on enjoying life together as husband and wife, etc. 
(Dad reminded me that we'll be in constant communion with God, so the side relationships probably won't matter as much. Which I guess is true, but I'm still thinking with my fleshly mind here. So that kinda hurts.) 
I do know that there are no tears or sadness in Heaven, so chances are she's partying it up big time with all her new friends...and Jesus, so she's probably not thinking much of us down here. But every once in awhile, like this morning, I whisper a little "Hi, Grandma. I miss you." and hope that God tells her for me. 


Meagan Maynard said...

ok, make me cry. i miss my grandpa too. good post.

life as we know it... said...

seriously... tears and choking up big time. I miss mine, too! you are such a sweetie... hope you are feeling well :) (breakfast is my ABSOLUTE favorite meal of the day as well... we have it for lunch and dinner somedays, too!

Simplicity said...

I'm crying now too.

Sometimes, when we're singing the old hymns in church, I choke up because I really can hear my mom singing on one side of me and my grandma singing on the other...just like when I was a little girl.

And guess what. I tell my kids that I think their grandma held them in her arms and rocked them in Heaven before they came to me. I just know she did. She couldn't wait to be a grandma, but she never got the chance to be...anyway an earthly grandma.

And I have that same small hurt that you have when I think about that special bond that Paul and I have possibly not being the same as it is here.

Oh...I'm crying again.

You are a powerful writer, Bethany. You need to save these blog posts for your family!